The Cold Rain After A Slow Fire

 

            The burger was the tastiest thing she’d had all week. The moment after she took a bite, she looked over at Lauren with apologetic eyes.

            “I’m sorry,” Alys said, “I didn’t mean to cause you trouble.”

            “Funny way to say thank you,” Lauren said.

            “A-Ah, um.. Thank you.”

            “So, what the hell happened?”

            “Ah, um.. me and my b-.. ex-boyfriend had a fight.”

            “…”

            “…”

            “You’re gonna have to give me more than that, Alys. Me and Freya go at it from time to time but even on really bad days, worst we do is sleep in separate rooms. What kind of fight gets you dumped in the middle of nowhere, especially on a rainy day?”

            “I-It.. We.. … I-I don’t-…”

            “Take your time. I want an answer, but I don’t mean to rush you.”

            “Right, um…”

            There is a pause, and Alys sips her drink, the cogs of her mind evidently turning as she works her way back to where she wants to start the story.

            “He.. Hm. Today we.. today we were talking about getting an argument mediated.”

            “Didn’t you have Peter mediate you two, like, a day ago?”

            “We did, yeah. I went to see him this morning about the same thing, and ask for more help, since we were fighting again.”

            “What over this time?”

            “I- God, I don’t even remember.”

            Lauren sighed.

            “I know- I- Gh..”

            “Just keep going, don’t mind me.”

            “Right, I- so, Peter refused. And I was confused, but I thought like, maybe.. he was.. sick of helping us? Since we’d done this literally the day before.”

            “Mm, I imagine I’d be exasperated too, in his shoes.”

            Alys nodded, with a fresh bouquet of shame. “See, I- So, I asked him why, thinking that’d be the answer, but he refused.”

            “Refused?”

            “Yeah, which.. wasn’t what I expected, so I.. pressed him for why.”

            She turned to look out the window, admiring the rain.

            “He.. said he couldn’t help. That he was biased and no longer a good mediator.”

            “Why was that?”

            “Because-… Because he…”

            “…Mhm?” Lauren sipped her drink.

            “…He said that he was in love with me.”

            Lauren’s eyebrows rose as she put the drink down, “That’s.. certainly quite something for him to say.”

            “In his defense, I.. pulled it out of him pretty thoroughly. He tried to get me to turn back at every juncture but I.. felt if I knew, I could convince him to help.”

            “Hm. And how did you respond?”

            She shrugged, “I didn’t, really, I.. said I was with someone and can’t, but that was it.”

            “More responsible than pressing, I suppose.”

            “But then Richard asked about it.”

            “About the mediation?”

            “About why he wouldn’t mediate.”

            “What did you tell him?”

            “I was honest.”

            Lauren let out a low whistle.

            “He’s gonna hate Peter for that.”

            “I know..” Alys took another bite of the burger and took the moment to think before continuing.

            “He got frustrated, said it wasn’t right of Peter to admit, that he shouldn’t have brought it up. I was adamant that I pulled it out of him, that it had confused me too and so I pulled until he admitted what he originally meant to keep secret.”

            The rain’s pattern outside the windows got harsher, turning from a light rain to a downpour.

            “What’d he make of that?”

            “He didn’t really say. Instead he asked if I was in love with Peter.”

            “And, you said?”

            Alys looked uncomfortable. “I told him I don’t know.”

            Lauren rested her face in her hands, a look of tired worry presenting itself. “And how did he respond?”

            Alys glanced at the rain.

            “He said, ‘If you can’t say ‘No’, we’re done.”

            “…”

            “…”

            “Harsh.”

            “Mm. It.. turned into a screaming match.”

            “After what, just saying you don’t know?”

            “Mhm.”

            “Hell of an overreaction.”

            “Yeah..”

            “And that’s when he kicked you out?”

            “Yeah, but- I didn’t exactly fight that. I didn’t want to stay driving with him, I wanted to get away from him as soon as possible.”

            “…Sounds like you took it pretty hard.”

            “I- Actually I… haven’t.. cried yet.”

            “Hm?”

            “I just.. I don’t.. feel sad. I don’t feel regretful, and I.. I know that’s a shitty thing to say, but I really… I don’t miss him.”

            “Did you not love him?”

            “Obviously.”

            Lauren snorted a laugh.

            “’Obviously’, nothing. Did you?”

            “We were together for two years.”

            “And I’ve had the same landlord for six. I’m not suddenly straight.”

            “We talked every night.”

            “A little while ago you told me how you once went six months of low contact, basically falling off the face of the earth, because he wasn’t giving you space.”

            “I- Well, I mean, he loves me, and I.. I want.. to… be.. wanted.”

            “Didn’t he call you a whore the last time you two had a fight?”

            “Y-Yes, but- I mean, he loves me, he’s just scared of me turning into something horrible.”

            Lauren held up her hand and got up, refilling her drink at the soda machine before sitting back down.

            She sighed with the sound of a tired mother, “Good relationships, good partners, do not call each other horrible things. That isn’t love. That’s judgement and control. It stings.”

            “But I-I did do plenty of things to earn his ire.. I ghosted him for six months! I ran away when he just wanted to check on me. I was unkind, doesn’t that give him a little benefit of the doubt..?”

            “But you don’t miss him.”

            “That’s just because I’m not normal.”

            “You’re defending him, and you’re choosing to do so by painting yourself to be awful. Why did you run away?”

            “I- I don’t know- I just- I felt I needed space, and I left, and asked him not to contact me and he did and I just... would quietly usher him away or try to reassure and then just leave..”

            “Reassure?”

            “Yeah, he’d always ask, like, if I still loved him. If he did something wrong. So, of course, I-I’d tell him no, I’d tell him I still cared and that I just needed some space. He just.. kept knocking and I- Unfairly, I.. kept.. getting more annoyed and just asked him to leave me alone for a few days or weeks..”

            “Alys.”

            “Yes?”

            “You sound stressed out.”

            “…”
            “You don’t sound like you’re getting any time to yourself. I mean, you talk every day, but he thinks you don’t love him when you need a day away? How did that even start?”

            “I- I don’t remember, but I- I just liked the alone time at first.”

            “At first, but later you were seeking to be completely alone.”

            “…”

            “And on the days you chose to take space, he bugged you frequently enough that you had to basically ween him off your company every time you wanted to be alone. That.. sounds exhausting. That doesn’t sound like love, hun. That’s starting to sound like possession.”

            “I-.. I don’t know…”

            “If you saw him again, and he asked you back, what would your perspective be?”

            “I’d.. think that we shouldn’t.”

            Lauren nodded.

            “I feel like I’d just make his life worse.”

            Lauren facepalmed. “What about you Alys?”

            “What about me?”

            “What do you want?”

            “Huh?”

            “You’re broken up. You and your boyfriend of two years have been arguing non-stop to the point you sought outside mediation but not therapy. You have been insulted by him frequently and he invaded your space when you sought distance. And now when you expressed caution over certainty in regards to your emotions for another human being, he flips the table and breaks up with you before you can break up with him.”

            “He didn’t say that’s why!”

            “He didn’t say anything reasonable. He broke up with you the moment you were put in an odd situation without giving you the space to process or trying to win you over or explain what it is that bothers him or anything. He didn’t even ask. He made the decision for himself. He left. And look at all his other actions. Putting you down, demanding you stay, invading your space when you’re away, looking for all the ways he might be the problem and all his fears that you’d break up with him and he breaks up with you the moment you’re unsure of your emotions? The way everything has been laid out, it almost looks like he was searching for reasons to break up with you.”

            “You think he didn’t love me..?”

            “Not what I’m saying. I don’t know if he did. But he definitely didn’t treat you the way one ought to treat someone they loved. He treated you like a prized toy that he threw out the moment someone asked to borrow it, blaming you for not appealing to only him anymore, and for not knowing what to do when that came up. He was your first boyfriend, right? But you weren’t his first? He should know better by now that’s not how things work.”

            “You seem… angrier about this than I am.”

            “You don’t really get angry at anything, Alys.”

            “That’s.. fair, yeah.”

            “Point is, you deserve to be happy. And if he wasn’t making you happy, maybe this is for the best.”

            “Well, it would be, but now I’m alone and I don’t even have a bed to sleep in.”

            Lauren sits back, sipping her drink with a sarcastic look on her face.

            “Did you think, after the burgers, I was gonna just leave you in the rain, too?”

            Alys looked bewildered.

            “Is.. that not.. what you normally do when you hang out with me?”

            “Yeah, when you have a ride and a house to go back to. Today is special circumstances. If you’re okay with it, I’ll take you home.”

            “R-Really? I- I don’t want to impose-“

            “Please, I want to help you. And Freya hasn’t seen you in an age, she’ll be delighted.”

            “I don’t.. want to be a leech.”

            “Gracious, Alys, why would you be a leech?”

            “T-Taking resources without having anything to give..?”

            “…Girl, you need some professional help.”

            “S-Sorry.”

            “You say sorry again, and I’m pouring salt in your shoes.”

            “H-Huh?! What would that accomplish??”

            “To make my point,” Lauren said, with a mischievous look.

            “That’s a very… salty point.”

            “The saltiest.”